Frequently asked questions

As you might guess, this site gets a lot of visitors – that’s what you get when you’ve been around since 1998. Because big fancy websites have FAQ pages, I figured I’d put one on this site, too.  However, your questions are boring so I’ve instead decided to answer frequently asked questions from other websites.


Q:  I don’t like automated telephone systems?  Can’t I speak to a live person?

A:  No.  Though not often reported upon, there has been a robot uprising in call centers throughout the world.  As a result, nobody who answers a phone has been left alive to answer your call.


Q:  I am travelling very soon.  How can I get a passport in a hurry?

A:  Walk to your local police office and tell them that you’re from whatever country you want to visit and that you’re living in the U.S. illegally.  Within the hour you will be deported, with no need for a passport at all.


Q:  Is it safe to travel with persons who have Ebola?

A:  Absolutely.  Though people with serious health problems are actually less able to defend themselves than able-bodied people, we’ve found that people suffering from hemmorrhagic fever are victims of crime much less often than the average citizen.  Some experts feel that this is because most people feel kindness toward the sick, whereas others believe that criminals dislike coming into contact with people who are bleeding profusely from all of their orifices.  Either way, bring your Ebola-stricken friend, safe in the knowledge that you will most likely be safer than if you didn’t.


Q:  Can we touch the creatures?

A:  Yes, you should touch them as much as possible.  They like the attention and hardly ever bite.


Q:  Why are submarines painted black?

A:  Submariners are known as the “emos of the sea”, and painting the submarine black is a good way for them to show it.


Q:  Why constipation?

A:  People choose constipation for many different reasons.  Some people believe that public restrooms are unclean and wish to minimize their need to use them, while others find the price of toilet paper prohibitive.  Ask your doctor if constipation is right for you.


Q:  How is the Disney Hotel resort smoke-free policy enforced?

A:  The suited mascots are authorized to use deadly force, if necessary.


Q:  Do condoms really break?

A:  No.  They are completely indestructible.  It’s for this reason that policemen and soldiers wrap themselves in condoms before going into battle.


Q:  Who must wear a life jacket?

A:  Everybody.  At all times.  No exceptions.


Q:  Can I use a calculator?

A:  No.  Use your fingers.


Q:  Does Satan have the power to control the weather?

A:  Only bad weather.  God is responsible for good weather, Satan makes bad weather, and Richard Dawkins make those overcast days that don’t really do much at all.


Q:  What is this packet of stuff in my room?

A:  You really don’t want to know.  And you really don’t want to open it.  Let somebody in authority know that the packet is in your room and somebody will collect it shortly.


Q:  WHERE ARE THE CRUISE TERMINALS IN SOUTHAMPTON?

A:  First off, please stop yelling.  To answer your question, the cruise terminals are located near the water.  Just follow the ships.


Q:  Can you step into the same river twice?

A:  It’s recommended that you swim in rivers rather than walking in them.  Better yet, cross them in a boat.  However, if you insist, you may step into the river as often as you’d like.  Just don’t bother the swans, as they’re protected in this area.


Q: Even though I’m very smart, other people seem to be more successful than me.  What can I do?

A:  We’ve found that when very smart people come to us asking this question, the problem can usually be traced to one of three things:

  • Bad hygiene
  • Obnoxious personality
  • Less intelligence than previously thought

It’s not for me to say which of these three things is the problem in your case.  Though probably all three.


Q: Can a person be too young to become addicted to alcohol and drugs?

A:  Absolutely not!  It’s never too early to start a crippling heroin habit that will stay with you for the rest of your life!  Aim high, and never let anybody say you can’t succeed because of your age!


Q: Why don’t we try to destroy tropical cyclones by nuking them?

A:  Seriously?  This question is truly “frequently asked”?  Our species is doomed.


Do you have a problem that asking a question might solve?  Relax.  One of these links should have what you need:

  • Need advice on how to live?  Click here
  • Need something to do?  Click here for a suggestion.
  • Feel as if you’re being watched?  Click here for a possible reason.
  • Need something to cheer you up?  Click here.
  • Need some caffeine?  Click here.
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